A Better Me: Health

This is going to cover a lot, food issues, working out, weight loss surgery…so if none that interests you, I completely understand. Please keep your comments considerate, we’re all fighting different battles.

For as long as I can remember, I was the bigger girl. Always. But yall, I was raised loved and never lacked in confidence. Sure I didn’t love myself the way I should, but I was happy as me. Some people struggle with body issues and I feel so bad for these people. In my opinion, no matter what someone’s weight, height, looks, they should love themselves. Confidence can make such a difference.

I’ve always been on a diet, always obsessed about food, I was either thinking about what all I could eat, or I was obsessively weighing and measuring everything to eat a certain amount.

After my father passed, our lives crumbled. I was on a downward spiral and was drowning my sorrows. I got up to 297 pounds. My mom and I decided to look into weight loss surgery. The whole thing is a blur to me now, but we did go forward with the lap band procedure.

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I recovered and when it was time for me to go back for my first restriction adjustment, one of our full time employee’s was out for a month. So for over a month, I put my progression on hold. I did finally go get my first restriction, in fact I may of had 2 or 3 but then 7 months after my procedure, I found out I was pregnant. Twenty weeks pregnant. That’s a whole other story for another time.

So all weight loss came to a stop, I had lost 30 by this point. But right then, my focus was on my baby. I delivered a happy healthy baby. I got back on the weight loss journey shortly after.

It’s been 5 years and I’m happy and proud to say I’m down to right around 205. I am a completely different person. What I am not proud to admit is I never truly changed. With most weight loss surgeries, there are restrictions and rules for your future. I never listened and never changed. I lost the weight but I lost it the hard way, the wrong way.

December of 2012, I started having intestinal issues. I called doctors, I tried different medications. Finally in December of 2013, I went gluten free. That was a HUGE life altering change. With it, I decided I needed to finally do the hard work, I needed to finally address my food issues, I needed to find a food and exercise plan that worked for me. I never got 100% back to normal though. I finally decided to schedule an appointment with a GI doctor. I remember going in thinking, it had to be a gluten allergy, but the doctor looked me in the face and said gluten alone would not be causing all my symptoms.  We scheduled a colonoscopy and endoscopy.

When the day came, and once I was asleep, they found that the pouch created by my lap band, still contained food and liquid, after not eating or drinking anything in 36 hours and 12 hours respectively. I was woke up and sent over for an emergency upper GI. It was during this scan that they found my lap band had slipped. What this caused is a pouch above the lap band, a pouch where my stomach acids were not reaching, a place where food was laying and rotting, a place where food could come up and I could aspirate at any second. For over a year, I thought I’d been having acid reflux, but to find out that all these times, I could of aspirated and been gone. Something clicked. The lap band was completely loosened. It still is. I don’t know what will happen with it in the future. But for right now, I need to focus on fixing me, getting to the hard work of being a food addict, finding a way of life that I am happy and can live with, eating healthy, without obsessing, find a exercise plan that works and that I enjoy.

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I know this subject will continue long after these 31 days as this will be a life time struggle, so for now I will leave this alone, I am working, I am trying.

Would you like to keep up with the rest of the 31 posts, every post will be linked here for your convenience.

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A Better Me: Speaking Kindness

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For a long time, I’ve known that I wasn’t the nicest person. In fact, there have been times I was rather proud of this fact. I knew I was a capital B. But I also knew that I could be a good person, I could be selfless, I could be a kind loving person. Unfortunately, I found it was easy to speak unkind words, it was easy to make fun of someone, it was easy to make a joke at another’s expense. It was easy to be hateful.

What isn’t easy is to be a kind, loving, forgiving person…to everyone, no matter what!

I’ve thought about this a lot, I’ve wondered how many people I have hurt or upset with my words. I’ve thought about if I’d like everyone to see and hear first hand all the rude things I said. I wasn’t proud of that part of me. Why was it easier for me to be unkind? Was it because that’s how I felt about myself? Was I so unhappy with myself that I was projecting those feelings onto others? That’s a hard pill to swallow.

Many many times in life, when I’ve been faced with completely hurtful disgraceful situations, I have said, “they’ll have to answer for everything one day.” Well I guess I overlooked some of the things I’ll have to answer for too. Overall, I am a good person, and I told myself that I could answer for everything, but could I really?

A few weeks ago I told myself that before I spoke an unkind word, I needed to stop myself and think of something kind to say first. And I’m going to be honest with yall, it hasn’t been easy. A lot of my unkind words came from places that I was forced to face. I was judging people. I was being hateful.

I know I am not alone in this, but I will only speak for myself. When I was faced with hurtful situations, situations where my feelings were hurt, when others said or did things that hurt me, I retaliated. I found fault in them, I let my tongue throw daggers. I was doing exactly as they had done to me.

When I was faced with people and situations that were different than myself or how I would do things, instead of coming from a place of understanding and acceptance, I judged, I found fault, and I spoke those hurtful words.

But I know that deep down inside, I want to be a bigger and better person.

I am not the most religious person, but have a deep sense of right and wrong, what God would want me to be and do, and what I know He would not want. I know I was not acting in a way that God would want and I knew that if I had to answer for all these words, I would have a hard time explaining why. I had to change.

I think it takes great strength to overlook our natural reactions, but I was going to try and I still am today. To be the bigger and better person I wanted to be, I had to find good in everything. I had to only speak if it was kind and sincere.

 

Would you like to keep up with the rest of the 31 posts, every post will be linked here for your convenience.